siSTAR! Claim your blood, sweat and tears!

The utter, awespiring feeling of a thought being conceptualized, honed and then put out there in the big world to stand on it’s own two feet.

Sometimes it presents itself in a dream, in a stimulating conversation or the divine world just steers you to what was meant. Excitedly you put pen to paper, envisioning the outcome in all of its glory.

Nights of burning the midnight oil, pushing, believing, dreaming that your ART IS YOUR DREAMS MANIFESTED!

A determined, focused, motivated siSTAR is an indestructible woman.

No amount of hurdles or challenges being thrown in her path could prevent her from pursuing her dreams.

I remember it fondly, excitingly finding my purpose within the hiphop community in my country, I wanted to be a force to be reckoned with, I wanted to be taken seriously and most importantly I wanted to challenge myself to one of the most biggest concepts yet. At the time Cape Town, let alone South Africa’s hiphop fraternity was standing sturdy and growing steadily. The idea of hiphop theatre was experimented on, a young British emcee, Jonzi D blessed our theatres with a hiphop theatre show and we were blown away, years later siSTAR Natasha conjured up an amazing piece called UNDERNEATH POETRY, that I had the privilege of playing the lead role in. Hiphop in theatre planted its footprints in our country. Two years later I had the privilege of meeting Stacey Epps, myself and two other partners decided to join forces and place this amazing culture into the theatre, the same stage where ballerinas pranced around doing pirouettes, the same place where the Phantom of the Opera filled the seats. All these art forms did NOT represent the youth of South Africa at that time. This generation was defiant, and raising their opinion and their voices and were wearing their indigenous pride on the faces wearing tribal make up.

We plotted and planned this baby/revolution called HipHop Connected, with a budget that would be considered as miscellaneous for another production.

A low or non-existent budget was the very reason I discovered all my various hats. Project manager, scriptwriter, stage layout, props, wardrobe, stage manager, artistic director, and logistics, name what needed to be done and I was there. I even went as far as being in the production to cut costs.

But as the show was about to hit the stage the resentment started, people started ego trippin’ and everybody wanted to join the bandwagon. I had people talk to me telling me they are with the HipHop Connected, them not knowing I was part of the team. The initial squabbles began when the workload was seriously unbalanced, I spent every waking moment on this baby and people came and went as they pleased. As the show proceeded and the curtains was about to close everyone hugged each other in jubilation of it’s success, I went home crying, I felt I was not even acknowledged in the founding and start up as well as creation.

As the year passed it was HipHop Connected time again, I was excited yet anxious of how things would play out. I forged on because this was groundbreaking for our country it was bigger than me. I was still not happy with the way things ran, the male within the trio went on national television talking about I, I , I- how he was hiphop connected, I closed my ears because I knew God would not let my hard work go unnoticed.

The following year I became an intern at Artscape the very place that gave us this opportunity to conceptualized our ideas, and as intern GOD put in work and I became OFFICIAL, in ink project manager, with a budget and a salary for myself. Now that it was official I put extra blood, sweat and tears into the concept, our male counterpart was not to happy to take instructions, my other sister put in work harder than before. We were moving things were starting to look like a full fledged production, budget was well divided into various necessities etc, we pulled onboard Teba, an artistic director and we were set to go. Once again for the third year in a row the show sold out with a standing ovation. WE have arrived and most importantly I was acknowledged.

With that success came the urge to do more, the next two years the show was sold out and without fail more standing ovations followed.

Everybody claimed to conceptualize and run the project, everyone except me. That was the very reason I started feeling resentment, I resented them when I should have resented myself for not standing up for myself.

This year for the first time the show ran without me, I sat in New York wondering how it all went down, they say it turned out to be a concert this year just filled with mostly performances.

Surprisingly the weekend after the show, I was inundated with emails as well as facebook comments congratulating me and thanking me for starting and working on this baby and growing it to where it is now – a household name. I was shocked, to this day I still don’ know what was said at the show in my absence but the tables have turned they finally knew who WAS AND IS HIPHOP CONNECTED. I guess what I want to say is claim your blood, sweat and tears that manifests as YOUR ART.

DON’T EVER APOLOGISE FOR BLAZING A TRAIL!!!

- Contro Versy

Competing with the siSTAR in the mirror!

Do you remember her? The beautiful picture perfect girl in your class every guy wanted to kiss and every other girl wanted to be? Miss popular, people vied for her attention and what hurt most was that the guy you were absolutely crazy about was so busy trying to catch her attention he didn’t even know that YOU existed. It was their fairytale world and you my dear needed to wake up from the nightmare you thought you were living! You would list the many imperfections you THOUGHT you had and wonder if there was some magical way you could make them all disappear. School was made up of gremlins and goblins that took every chance to scare the living daylights out of you. It’s that exact harsh place where you develop your insecurities, are made to feel you not good enough and where the birth of your alleged shortcomings begun. My nickname at school was “boskop” – nappy head, that name stuck like glue and I had to walk around the first phase of my life trying to shake the name off by straightening, ironing, braiding, coloring my hair, no chemical processing was not used in my quest to be pretty, I wanted to be just like “them”. Nappy was synonymous with ugly, I took that burden with me into my teenage years MY “nappiness” would define how I looked at myself - not good enough, not pretty and not worthy! It affected my relationships with the opposite sex to a point where I ended up with the guys your mother would warn you about. Carrying all the pain inside it, brews, simmers slowly, years of hurt waiting to spill over and then one day, One day for the first time in your life you feel like you fit in, hiphop welcomed ME with open arms. I needed to rebel against the demons that was trying to taint SELF. Aaaah the stories, the rhymes the catchy hooks, I was HOOKED! I found acceptance of self within the culture, played Paris’s “Assatas song” on repeats and whenever I felt I was going to that place of uncertainty … REWIND selektor!!!!! When Isis, Melody, Roxanne Shante, Boss, Yo Yo, Latifah and Lyte and many other queens came on the scene with defiant charisma I was thinking, “oh I know what this means I need TO COME CORRECT!” Finding my sanctuary at South Africa’s most influential hiphop haven, THE BASE, I healed self. I met women who understood the plight of knowing ones self and finding your identity and purpose. When I first grabbed a microphone, boy I had lots to tell, years of anger and hurt flooded out BUT realization came over me. As much as the bitterness was eating away at me I started accepting some of the responsibility, as much as THEY pushed me down, I allowed them to. I was so used to accepting their harshness that it became second nature for me to shrug my shoulders when insults and remarks were thrown my way. It took a bad relationship, hiphop and understanding self for me to walk to the mirror, wash my hair,let it dry naturally and use an afro pick to style it. Not only was that my first step in a positive direction it became symbolic of washing away all that was irrelevant, fake and unnecessary. I have become WOMAN! I AM WOMAN! I promised myself that no one in this lifetime would ever get the opportunity again to tell me what or WHO I should be. I stepped on the stage calmer, more focused and oozing of self-confidence that my own homeboys were hitting on me. I wore my self-confidence like a signature perfume! Then it happened, the positive within emanated around me so much so, that positive people gravitated towards me, the aroma of self respect, and confidence drove those against me to step to me and show respect, I sat in my bedroom writing rhymes and for the first time I OVERSTOOD the only person I should ever be is me, the only person who can elevate me is me and most importantly the only person I should ever compete with is ME! OUTDO YOURSELF, NO ONE ELSE!! Contro ‘Versy

missing the female voice in Hip Hop? all you have to do is stop, look and listen...

Shout outs to Elizabeth Allen of Emaphotography! and to ALL those that came out to support our voices and showed all the ladies so much love! if you missed out, hopefully we'll see you at the next one!! so many big tings agwan in 2010, y'all don't even know..lol, so stay tuned..

SSF Showcase II recap...

peace all! so I will be writing a far more in depth description of the "She's So Fresh" Showcase II because right about now..lol, it's almost 3am. I just wanted to do quick note to thank all my sistas that rocked tonight: Misnomer(S), Nemiss, Dj Chela, Ra the MC, and of course Eagle Nebula. I have no words to describe or enough thank you's to say how much I appreciate the ladies that came through and got so busy on the mic. it was inspirational to say the least!

and for all the people. the audience. you showed these young ladies so much love! you are amazing TRUE Hip Hop supporters and I am so thankful that not only do you still exist but you continue to support sistas in this art of Hip Hop!

I have to thank the Sonia G, Lisa "Cynical" Smith, DJ Scandales, MC Friction, Bill Phifer of Blackout, my dear friend and homegirl Esther that came through and worked the door..and last but certainly not EVER least Felecia Cruz and Fighting For Futures. I could not, absolutely could not have done this without all of the help and love and support from these folks.

so that's about it for now! stay tuned and check back for pics of the event and updates on what's to come for all things She's So Fresh. J.A.G. Music and Media will continue to be a champion for women in Hip Hop and we will always try to bring you the dopest, flyest, FRESHest performances and info on my sistas in this game!

so y'all be cool, and I'ma be back!

<3

rox

Before you judge me, I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes!

The sun peeks at me through my bedroom window beckoning me to start the new day with enthusiasm. My head hurts, my eyes ache and for once, I wanted it to be raining outside, I wanted the weather to reflect my gloominess so I could continue my self pity campaign with the thunder and the grey skies as my dramatic back drop. I hide myself underneath the covers to gain instant access to my current inner darkness.

I’m hurting, heart sore and want to be left alone till this feeling subsides so I can once again be my jovial self. The human computer, which is my mind, has not yet crashed on me yet surprisingly since at 32 I still haven’t found out where the shut down feature is. If you sat next to me in silence I can almost guarantee you will hear my brain machinery churning.

Constantly over analyzing, over thinking and its’ tough trying to UNlearn a habit of that serious nature, its so ridiculous I analyze why I scrambled my eggs a certain way. An old man once warned me that I would be in the nuthouse by age 45 due to a combination of lack of sleep and over thinking. Boyfriends, past and present joke about my thinking; calling me Aristotle, Einstein, Miss Malcolm X, Yoda and the Great Gazoo and as much as it’s a compliment for having words of wisdom are they implying that I’m a nut job?

See? There I go again, wondering why they call me these names.

I crawl out of bed make myself a cup of green tea and look at myself in the mirror; my supple face seems more stern and harsh. I grin but not even my smile seems the same anymore. How did I get to this point and is it just a phase of blah?

When I first stepped off a long flight from South Africa and felt the sleeplessness of New York underneath my feet I was bursting with infinite possibilities. I had my to do list ready, flew to Vegas to shoot the television customized car show I co-host back home, things were looking up I was ready to make my mark outside my country. The first few weeks I explored the city, attended hiphop events, as I studied how the culture differed from back home. I wrote like a maniac, recorded like it was the only studio time I would ever experience and surfed the web with a vengeance trying to find my allies and those who could offer guidance. My energy was optimistic and it attracted all the people most individuals outside the U.S could only fathom in their wildest dreams. People we in South Africa, see on album covers and wall posters, pioneer and legends that were at the forefront of this beautiful love I call hiphop, was around me daily. I over thought and assumed my time to leave earth must be near because God is making all the impossible possible.

Back home surprisingly, the youth were routing for me, unbeknown to me they were watching my every move, emails of support and inspiration poured in daily. Lots of questions wanting to know how they should go about chasing their dreams, they see photographs of me with method man or status updates that im chilling with Chip Fu and they think life is oh so grand.

Alas the reality of chasing your dream is not for the faint hearted. Many within the New York hiphop fraternity are snobbish no matter how spiritual they seem to come across, their theory is simple we don’t know you so go ahead and pay your dues. The siSTARS wreck mic as good as the men yet I am saddened at how masculine they have become to be taken seriously. There’s a lot of hurt, women in New York are enduring so I OVERstand the anger, frustration and the take no prisoners attitude. The lyrical content of their songs oozes of a militant nature, chanting about the revolution and the struggles their people have to go through.

As I reflect on womanhood I remember that our circumstances define whom it is that we become, how we behave and how we deal with situations we find ourselves in. My time spent in New York as opened me to a pool of amazing people and their artistry. The fraternity, like in any other country has its camps and opinions.

It’s a hard to step into the rap game in this city, people have expectations, only difference is that back home your own people will form an opinion about you before you even started your first bar/verse on stage. People/artists will shut you out and others will open their arms, support your goals because they sense your determination and dedication. The city’s busyness has taken its toll on me, I move differently, rushing sometimes to no apparent deadline, I snap at the smallest things, always angry, it took a visit from a close friend from back home to tell me, “since when do you snap?’ I told her this place is making me act like this”, she replied, “That’s not an excuse!”

When you are struggling to keep your head above water and having to worry where next you will lay your head, have your next plate of food sometimes your dream just appears to be a tireless nightmare you are chasing. Caught in the crossfire you have a choice, you can put on your war paint and chant bring forth the battle and go out guns ablazing and elevate your situation simply because you are hiphop. Hiphop was founded on the struggle of society and struggle of self.

There are no flashing light bulbs, rubbing arms with Jay Z or signing a record deal and blowing up, because this is not a movie this is I pushing to keep moving to a better me. I didn’t come here to be a star I came here to follow my musical northern star.

Some days I want to get back on a plane and head home, I miss the food, my family, friends and the wholesomeness of the people. My mission however is far from complete, God didnt send me this far for nothing, he saw a soldier and created an exciting journey for me.

Hmmm, I think I will snooze till the blues subsides and try again tomorrow. Then something shifts within , a siSTAR is blessed with the ancestors spirit running through her veins i will not fail there's too many for me than against me. i walk to the mirror and put on my tribal make up and the siSTAR souljah within emerges, i felt the blues but i will NOT go silently into the night. For tomorrow's infinite possibilities awaits!Head Up Queens. Lets Go!

- Contro 'Versy

serendipity...

ser⋅en⋅dip⋅i⋅ty: \ser-uhn-dip-i-tee\: the effect by which one accidentally discovers something fortunate, especially while looking for something entirely unrelated.

syn·chro·nic·i·ty: \ˌsiŋ-krə-ˈni-sə-tē\: the coincidental occurrence of events and especially psychic events (as similar thoughts in widely separated persons or a mental image of an unexpected event before it happens) that seem related but are not explained by conventional mechanisms of causality

now I watched The Secret a couple of years ago, and whether or not you believe in it, adhere to it or think it's a bunch of hooey is up to you. but I do believe that thoughts and desires have power, especially when you give them energy.

now as you all know, I'm gearing up for this thursday's "She's So Fresh" Showcase II and all that goes along with that, including promoting it like a crazy person..lol. now that's all good, b/c this is my baby. I love it b/c I gave birth to it. so needless to say, I think about it. alot.

so, yesterday on 11/1 myself and the ladies of SSF Showcase II hit up Circa 95 Radio for a bit of promo and a bunch of fun! we hit the BX at the Rebel Diaz Arts Collective and being the true Hip Hop love that Rebel Diaz has, they happened to have some old Source mags, like from '89. and this one particular issue that they had, had me just...smh, stuck on stupid, sighing from a broken heart and unfulfilled promises and at the same time remembering why I embarked on this journey to contribute something lasting to Hip Hop for all my sistas, past, present and future.

the issue was from September/October 1989. the Queen was on the COVER! with her two dancers from "Ladies First". aside from the fact that she was fully clothed, what struck me even more was when I actually looked inside the issue. the mag had chart listings from all over the country. and on almost EVERY CHART Queen Latifah and MC Lyte were in the top 5. TOP 5! not too mention MC Trouble and Antoinette were also on those charts. and MC Lyte had the #2 single in the country at that time. but yet, I've heard tales since about '96 about some mofos going around saying Female MC's don't sell records or chart. and that's why labels stopped supporting them. um..yeah, not so much with the Jedi Mind Trick.

then in paging through the magazine, I came across something that sent me to silence again. The Source Magazine used to do a segment called "The Hip Hop GODDESS of the month". GODDESS! not "Honey" or some other pet name given to sistas by brothas with the best of intentions to show love and not realizing the undermining going on in the process. it would have stopped me in my tracks had I not been stationary on the train. I looked at Eagle Nebula, DJ Chela and TastyKeish, who were also on the train with me and said, "I knew there was a reason I supported this mag for so many years". sigh.

so what happened? who knows. who can really put a finger on exactly what social, moral, financial reasons anyone could have for participating in the exploitation and hypersexualization of a culture. we are here now though. and seeing what we were and how deeply we were apart of this art of Hip Hop, staring me in the face from the pages of what was considered a Hip Hop bible by some, well...I just want you all to know, I'm just getting started. I'm on no one's bandwagon and this is personal for me. I don't know about anyone else, but I deserve to be considered a "GODDESS" again. all women, in Hip Hop or not, deserve to be the "GODDESS" of the month, of the year, of life. I don't want waste anymore time debating the why's, the how come's..the facts are, that is where we were, this is where we are. my challenge to all Hip Hop lover's out there: where are we going?

well, on thursday, I'm going to Karma Lounge. I'll start there. you can start there with me if you like. if you're not in NY..you can start by attending and supporting the sistas in Detroit at The Foundation at the 5E Gallery every tuesday. or finding the event in your city or town that is supportive of women in Hip Hop. or if you're not a night life kind of person, support a blog. you can support this one and tell a friend. or gangstarrgirl.com b/c she's celebrating the 20th anniversary of the Queen's debut album this week. or iheartdilla.com b/c she hearts dilla like most true Hip Hop lovers. are you seeing a pattern here? my overall point is that this art is something WE created. urban black and latino youth, MALE AND FEMALE, in the BX. and it spread like wildfire. b/c it spoke to people, with a voice that was universal. so as much as it was talking to young males of all races, colors, creeds, so it spoke to me and countless other sistas all over the world.

so serendipity. we were there to promote "She's So Fresh" Showcase II. the ENTIRE purpose of which is to promote women in Hip Hop. if someone can tell me the odds on finding THAT issue on THAT day, please do.

so, know what: let's take it back. I'll see y'all thursday.