Before you judge me, I dare you to walk a mile in my shoes!

The sun peeks at me through my bedroom window beckoning me to start the new day with enthusiasm. My head hurts, my eyes ache and for once, I wanted it to be raining outside, I wanted the weather to reflect my gloominess so I could continue my self pity campaign with the thunder and the grey skies as my dramatic back drop. I hide myself underneath the covers to gain instant access to my current inner darkness.

I’m hurting, heart sore and want to be left alone till this feeling subsides so I can once again be my jovial self. The human computer, which is my mind, has not yet crashed on me yet surprisingly since at 32 I still haven’t found out where the shut down feature is. If you sat next to me in silence I can almost guarantee you will hear my brain machinery churning.

Constantly over analyzing, over thinking and its’ tough trying to UNlearn a habit of that serious nature, its so ridiculous I analyze why I scrambled my eggs a certain way. An old man once warned me that I would be in the nuthouse by age 45 due to a combination of lack of sleep and over thinking. Boyfriends, past and present joke about my thinking; calling me Aristotle, Einstein, Miss Malcolm X, Yoda and the Great Gazoo and as much as it’s a compliment for having words of wisdom are they implying that I’m a nut job?

See? There I go again, wondering why they call me these names.

I crawl out of bed make myself a cup of green tea and look at myself in the mirror; my supple face seems more stern and harsh. I grin but not even my smile seems the same anymore. How did I get to this point and is it just a phase of blah?

When I first stepped off a long flight from South Africa and felt the sleeplessness of New York underneath my feet I was bursting with infinite possibilities. I had my to do list ready, flew to Vegas to shoot the television customized car show I co-host back home, things were looking up I was ready to make my mark outside my country. The first few weeks I explored the city, attended hiphop events, as I studied how the culture differed from back home. I wrote like a maniac, recorded like it was the only studio time I would ever experience and surfed the web with a vengeance trying to find my allies and those who could offer guidance. My energy was optimistic and it attracted all the people most individuals outside the U.S could only fathom in their wildest dreams. People we in South Africa, see on album covers and wall posters, pioneer and legends that were at the forefront of this beautiful love I call hiphop, was around me daily. I over thought and assumed my time to leave earth must be near because God is making all the impossible possible.

Back home surprisingly, the youth were routing for me, unbeknown to me they were watching my every move, emails of support and inspiration poured in daily. Lots of questions wanting to know how they should go about chasing their dreams, they see photographs of me with method man or status updates that im chilling with Chip Fu and they think life is oh so grand.

Alas the reality of chasing your dream is not for the faint hearted. Many within the New York hiphop fraternity are snobbish no matter how spiritual they seem to come across, their theory is simple we don’t know you so go ahead and pay your dues. The siSTARS wreck mic as good as the men yet I am saddened at how masculine they have become to be taken seriously. There’s a lot of hurt, women in New York are enduring so I OVERstand the anger, frustration and the take no prisoners attitude. The lyrical content of their songs oozes of a militant nature, chanting about the revolution and the struggles their people have to go through.

As I reflect on womanhood I remember that our circumstances define whom it is that we become, how we behave and how we deal with situations we find ourselves in. My time spent in New York as opened me to a pool of amazing people and their artistry. The fraternity, like in any other country has its camps and opinions.

It’s a hard to step into the rap game in this city, people have expectations, only difference is that back home your own people will form an opinion about you before you even started your first bar/verse on stage. People/artists will shut you out and others will open their arms, support your goals because they sense your determination and dedication. The city’s busyness has taken its toll on me, I move differently, rushing sometimes to no apparent deadline, I snap at the smallest things, always angry, it took a visit from a close friend from back home to tell me, “since when do you snap?’ I told her this place is making me act like this”, she replied, “That’s not an excuse!”

When you are struggling to keep your head above water and having to worry where next you will lay your head, have your next plate of food sometimes your dream just appears to be a tireless nightmare you are chasing. Caught in the crossfire you have a choice, you can put on your war paint and chant bring forth the battle and go out guns ablazing and elevate your situation simply because you are hiphop. Hiphop was founded on the struggle of society and struggle of self.

There are no flashing light bulbs, rubbing arms with Jay Z or signing a record deal and blowing up, because this is not a movie this is I pushing to keep moving to a better me. I didn’t come here to be a star I came here to follow my musical northern star.

Some days I want to get back on a plane and head home, I miss the food, my family, friends and the wholesomeness of the people. My mission however is far from complete, God didnt send me this far for nothing, he saw a soldier and created an exciting journey for me.

Hmmm, I think I will snooze till the blues subsides and try again tomorrow. Then something shifts within , a siSTAR is blessed with the ancestors spirit running through her veins i will not fail there's too many for me than against me. i walk to the mirror and put on my tribal make up and the siSTAR souljah within emerges, i felt the blues but i will NOT go silently into the night. For tomorrow's infinite possibilities awaits!Head Up Queens. Lets Go!

- Contro 'Versy